“OVERWHELMED”

Oh my goodness, it’s Friday again. I’m going to start this one off with something positive (because sometimes I need a reminder).

This week I had the opportunity to meet with multiple people to gather their wisdom about making their first features and now my plan has legitimately started to form. Like, I know the first steps that I need to do to really start getting this off the ground and that is freaking exciting! It just made me so grateful for the wonderful people I have had the opportunity to meet and their generosity to tell me everything I could possibly want to know, without skimming over the tough stuff. It truly “takes a village” to make an indie film and the closer it gets to becoming real, the more I feel like, at the very least, I have that support system.

Now for the poem…

OVERWHELMED // 2.9.17

That tightness,

familiar friend,

the start of

the fall.

The spiral

below.

It can’t be stopped

once it starts.

The heat screaming

in its best form.

Fist to face,

over and over,

until it’s too late.

A lioness caged by

shrinking defenses.

Lashing out at

so-called threats,

growing exponentially.

Buried

beneath

the mountain.

Density rising,

pinhole of light,

crushed.

Empty calories,

a pancake burning on a flattop.

My life is pretty complicated right now, between the money troubles, personal strife, the general state of the country and the anticipation of having to raise $500K, it’s been hard for me to find my “happy place.” (I know I’m not alone on that…) This week has found me on the verge of panicking more often than I’d like to admit. With all the “free time” I’ve have I’m having trouble scheduling it in the most efficient and satisfactory way.

I should preface this by saying I am still chugging through the current (13th) draft of my feature script. It is taking me longer than any other draft (maybe because I know this is the one I’ll move forward with and when it’s done that means things are truly in motion). Even though, in my heart, this is the most important thing I have to do right now it keeps getting pushed to the bottom of my “to do” list. I keep the document open on my computer, in hopes that I’ll just write during a free hour here or there but usually I look at it, start to feel guilty and end up looking/applying for jobs. How dare I spend time on my personal project when I’m behind on rent? I start to feel like I’m letting everyone down, especially my parents, especially myself, like I’m a total fuck up. I was the overachieving girl in all the AP classes who got into my first choice college and now look at me? It gets me pretty down when I start thinking of it and my brain spirals inward. I end up just procrastinating everything by answering emails or reading more news and before I know it’s nighttime and I just want to turn my brain off.

Right before I go to bed I start to get mad at myself for not prioritizing my project and then think ahead to when I’ll be able to fit it in and the panicking seeps in. It’s pretty much a mess, a vicious cycle of guilt and wondering and not knowing anything for sure, always pointing towards the worst case scenario. I think I would benefit from a bit more enforced structure but am not sure how to put that in place and really hold myself to it. Another problem (and you may laugh at this because it sounds silly) I have amassed a network of too many friends/acquaintances and because I chronically slash my own needs and change my schedule to meet up with someone who wants to see me. My own personal “plans” to write get edged out because socializing/networking feels more urgent in the moment. Obviously, I need to learn to say no and not overthink it. My brain jumps ahead to losing an opportunity or turning someone off from wanting to meet with me by saying no. People who are/want to be my friends will understand that writing my screenplay is a legitimate activity that makes me busy and unable to meet that week (right?).

Maybe part of all of this is fear of actually succeeding at what I’m doing and what that will mean…but that’s a whole other poem/entry.

Anyone else feel this way?

You are not alone!