As you may or may not know, I am moving towards shooting my debut feature film (inspired by CROW) this coming Fall (2017). This is the most exciting/scary thing I have every decided to do, so, as you can imagine, there are a lot of feelings that have been coming up.
Most Notably >>>
You also may or may not know that I struggle with severe anxiety and major bouts of depression (honestly, who doesn’t these days?). Throughout my adult life, and even more so lately, I have been writing poetry as a way to cope with my crushing feelings of self doubt (stress, shame, guilt, feeling isolated & overwhelmed etc). Not only has it been helping me to process these feelings and not dwell on them for too long but it has allowed me to find the humor in especially dark situations.
The purpose of this blog will be to document the ups and downs through the process of making the film (a thriller/dark comedy centered around a chance meeting, a freak train bombing and two characters who cope with mental illness differently), as well as to connect with others who struggle with anxiety/depression, through poetry.
I promise to post 1 poem a week and always write honestly about how I’m feeling, even (especially) if it puts me in a vulnerable position.
And on that note, here is the first poem of my Feelings series, “DOUBT” (which I wrote in the midst of a full blown panic attack…).
DOUBT // 12.12.16
Closing in like
down the spine,
over each rung.
Viscous as blood.
I know, I said I’ve been finding humor in dark situations and this one isn’t very funny (Have you ever written something during a panic attack?). It’s difficult to find the humor in the moment but reading this back helps me put things into perspective. Picturing this “imaginary” antagonist as sludge dripping down a ladder makes it less scary and more beatable. Through doing this, I’ve found that “visualizing” my self doubt makes it easier for me to confront it head on, rather than letting it take on a monstrous form in my mind.
One of the challenges of making my film will be translating these invisible antagonists (anxiety, depression, etc) to imagery/sounds, so it’s good to get the practice.
I definitely still have these feelings on a weekly (if not daily) basis but at least now, if I try really hard, I can focus my “mind-hose” to rinse away the sludge of doubt and live to create another day!
Thanks for reading (and reminding me I’m not alone)!