“MIXED”

WELL, HELLO, BIG DOLLOP (if you get that reference and we’re not already best friends WHAT ARE WE DOING???)

So, here I am, back in NYC, fresh off of my trip to LA, which was both glorious and anxiety inducing (not sure about you, but as much as I love to travel, the act of traveling stresses me out).

Throughout my trip I was confronted with the constant question that a lot of filmmakers also face…

…to NYC or to LA (that is the question)????

I am a born and raised New Yorker, so I am super stubborn and prideful about NYC and tend to get personally offended when people say bad things about it (even if they are absolutely correct). However, I also have a wonderful time whenever I visit Los Angeles and sometimes day dream about how much better the quality of my life might be if I moved there.

In exactly 1 month I will turn 29 and I feel like I’m at a weird crossroads…As an adult, I have lived in NYC for nearly 11 years and part of me feels that, if I don’t try to live somewhere else soon, I might never leave. Don’t get me wrong, I love NY (obviously) but have I become complacent? am I holding myself back/self sabotaging? am I not challenging myself enough? etc, etc, etc…

I get LOST in my mind palace of WHAT IFS?!!

Especially lately, because freelancing is so hard and it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier…would I get more jobs in LA just because there are more jobs to be gotten? Would I end up having to be someone’s assistant and find other ways to hate my day-to-day existence? I have so many wonderful friends in LA, but what about all my wonderful friends in NY??? (Also, paralyzing fear…which will have it’s own poem soon) This entire post could be all of the “what ifs” that cloud my brain every day but I’ll spare you.

Here is a poem I wrote mid-panic attack while left to my own devices in La La land…

MIXED // 2.20.17

Feelings like

mixed nuts,

without salt,

muted flavor.

Love for one, or other.

Head on backwards

or is it front?

Toes in both,

or neither.

Sword through

heart

or eye.

Bloody,

death for certain.

Remember what’s important.

Of all of the poems I’ve written lately, this one is actually my favorite. I try to put a rhythm to the things I write and this one just flowed out naturally. The act of writing it also prevented my rising anxiety from bursting into full on panic mode. Anyone else who has panic attacks…have you ever tried writing about it WHILE it’s happening? This has been the most effective calming strategy for me lately.

Anywho, after hours of conversation with my best friend (and one of the really good reasons to move) I came to the conclusion that I need to shoot my feature first (it’s a NY movie afterall…) but I will probably give LA a try sometime in the near-ish future.

*reminder to self* Just keep breathing and writing and doing!

Thanks for reading. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!