“GUILTY”

Hello! Thanks for coming!

I’m going to break my usual format and start with the poem this time…

GUILTY // 2.28.17

I can’t figure out

how to make it work.

How to work and

have work not feel

like what it is.

Spoiled maybe.

Privileged, definitely.

Broke as fuck,

anyway.

Fact:

Life is too short but

continuing without

“almighty paper”

is impossible

without giving up

everything.

Stupid child.

Cry baby, disgusting.

Slap her to

shut her up.

If only for good.

Disdain like

chewing on aluminum.

Pain of

invisible pressure.

Mindful antagonist.

Seal her up behind

brick.

Impenetrable

without

dynamite.

Pause that

self imposed

misery

and make way for

guilt.

You and your pea-sized problems.

Okay…so, not sure what you all get from this one but let me give you a little backstory…

I had planned to write about something else this week but I can’t stop thinking about this…

I am turning 29 this month and I can’t pay my rent. 

I’m embarrassed to say this especially because I’ve already talked about money on here, which obviously is a big source of stress in my life right now. I’m a freelancer (mostly as a producer/assistant director but HIRE ME TO DIRECT THINGS), and this winter has been ROUGH. I had 1 day of paid work in January and 2 days of paid work in February. So far, I only have 1 (tiny) thing on the books for March and I am starting to sweat.

Usually, when I get to this place of “desperation” (in quotes because I still have an apartment and haven’t completely run out of food yet) I start to look for a restaurant job. I’ve been serving on and off for about 14 years, I’m really good at it and it’s an easy job for me to get, but this time the thought of having to “grin and bear it” makes me want to…well let’s just say it is putting me in a really bad place mentally, so I’m looking for other money making alternatives…

Anyway, back to the poem…so when I start thinking about my money situation I tend to get really caught up in the weight/overwhelmingness of my own problems…I think I’m the dictionary, like the whole world revolves around me. Like HELLO JACKIE THAT’S A GLOBE…(if you don’t get that reference just pause and watch THIS]…I digress, basically I get caught up in the whirlpool of my own problems and forget that in the scheme of the world my problems are really vanilla.

I become more aware of my own privilege [as a white woman, living in America who never felt hungry growing up, went to a great public school and college etc etc etc] every day. I never want to think of myself as spoiled but now and then I get glimpses of the hard truth, that I have been.

Cue the rush of guilt.

I try to be aware of other people around me, whether they are in my personal life or not and I think I was blessed(/cursed?) with a very sensitive empathy button. So once I realize how selfish I’m being I get really angry at myself for getting so down in my own selfish bubble and thus begins the vicious cycle of beating myself up.

This is a tough one. My therapist reminded me this week that as small as my problems might be in the scheme of the world, they are MY problems. The only person who can address them is me. I wrote GUILTY to pump myself up. I need to just suck it up and if I can’t bear getting a restaurant job I need to do something else I might not like because I’m a freaking adult and my parents aren’t in the position to help me with money (NOR SHOULD THEY BECAUSE I’M ALMOST 30).

I don’t need a lot to be happy but I also don’t need to waste my time/energy stressing about money anymore BECAUSE I NEED TO FOCUS ON MAKING MY FREAKING MOVIE!

Not sure if anyone else struggles with this but if you do…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

[thanks for reading]