“FEAR”

What up, Friday people?

You may or may not have noticed that I did not blog last week. I’ll be honest, there were just not enough hours in the day and I didn’t plan well enough ahead. I’d like to believe I had a good excuse because I was finishing up pre-production for a new short film (that we shot this past Monday) but I still felt bad about it. This day is flying by too, but I couldn’t let 2 weeks go by without writing about something.

I have some good news, last week I finished the 13th draft of my feature screenplay!! After sleeping on it and reading the draft over, I actually feel really good about it. It’s the most emotionally genuine and “true to me” draft that I have written and now I am officially moving forward with the next steps to getting it made.

Despite feeling confident upon finishing, I had some intense nightmares the following couple of nights and I woke up feeling very fearful…It hit me that now I actually have to start doing the things I’ve been talking about for months: I have to find a producing partner, I have to raise more money than I’ve ever seen, I have to start an LLC, I have to hire a lawyer, I have to be confident enough to attract name cast…the list goes on…

This paralyzing moment of fear made me think of a poem I wrote back in January…

FEAR // 1.9.17

Gripping

fingers

leave a mark.

Jump.

Don’t look behind you.

Hairs like

helpless stalagmites.

Solid as a cloud.

Real as a jabberwocky.

Myths in darkness,

brighter than sun.

Pinching at

precisely the

spots that hurt.

Lingering cold

like a fever.

Pressing on

the ceiling,

moose shoulders

rising.

Cut down by cleaver

bleed out on

hard wood.

Ruby nectar.

 

As long as I was still writing it was a low pressure situation, there weren’t hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line, investors and a whole cast/crew weren’t relying on me to deliver a great product. I could continue to be my own harshest critic and everything I wrote would only effect me. I started to do that thing I do, where I think way too far ahead and imagine the worst case scenario…I would fail and the thing I’ve been working on for the past 3 years would have been a waste of time that would leave me back at square one.

Then a few days went by, I had a couple of trusted people read my new draft and HALLELUJAH THEY LIKED IT. Though the fear hasn’t completely dissipated and I know it will be lurking there, ready to pounce on me in a weak moment (which I’m sure will happen again) I was reminded that it’s all in my head, “solid as a cloud, real as a jabberwocky.” I don’t have to let it paralyze me. Yes, making this feature is a scary thing, there’s a lot on the line but I’ve been preparing for it and I truly believe, with the right team, I am absolutely ready for it.

I like to push people out of their comfort zones and it’s time to do the same for myself! Shout out to the people in my life who have told me they fully believe in me to make this project. I’d have a much harder time combatting my fears without you! THANK YOU!

If doing things you’ve never done scare you…

[You are not alone.]